Wild Thots

Okay so I'm drunk as fuck. Took three shots of Jameson on an empty stomach. I've been feeling like I need to write so - I'm going to do it. I keep having to delete words because....since I'm fuckin drunk.. I keep mispelling shit and writing shit weird. But whatever. You know what I've been realizing lately? I'm fucking great. People love me. I love people. I want to touch and reach more and more people. I want to be a positive influence in people's lives. I want people to enjoy my company. Want me to be around. I want people to seek my guidance. To request my services. I want to have a connection with people. What is my main message? How do I want people to feel besides loved? Empowered? Enlightened? What makes it possible for me to keep pushing and striving? I got lost. Engaged in other conversations. I need to be there for myself. Put myself first and making sure I'm good. Why? Cuz people really don't give a fuck. People will still do the craziest, randomest, grimeyest thing ever. I don't think those two are words but they make sense to me right now. This week has been full of signs that I'm still not trying to grasp and realize that I need to pay attention to what I have NOW. WHAT DO YOU HAVE NOW? Stop thinking about what you're GOING to have. Tomorrow is never promised. What are you really doing? What is truly this pressure you're feeling? Are you feeling like this because, you know? If I really need to be selfish, do I go to the extreme? If I need to focus on what I want - do I go all the way or nah? I've never been the type to half ass shit. I really need to start working out again. I love you Vanessa. I love the person you are and the person you're becoming. Let's try and enjoy not knowing anything but still attempting to control every moment of your life. Make your own decisions. Do it because you feel you need to. Man. I lost my train of thought. That's what happens when you get high, I guess. Marijuana is a whole 'nother topic. I hope you look back at this and think, wow. My first 10 minutes a day of straight writing was when I was drunk and I was super informative. LMFAO.

Find the time.

I've been recently inspired to just find the time to write. The thought to just type came to mind quite often during the week. I feel as though I just have to get reacquainted with the keyboard and being invested in my creativity. I need to just create things. Anything. SO lets see. Let's talk about my dreams. I want to write a children's book that guides children on the law of attraction and inner peace. I want to impact a generation where children care about one another because they're no longer thinking with their ego. They become adults that are going to mold future years to come and I have such hope for the future in this moment. I can't wait to see the type of adults my daughters become, god willing.

I keep saying that I want my children's book to be concentrated around a character but then part of me feels like I'm putting more strain on the situation because I'm classifying it so early on. IF THAT MAKES ANY SENSE. It's like maybe I need to just be open to anything. I was told in my guided mediation earlier in the week that I had to clear my mind in order for inspiration be able to make it's way in. Children of the world need my book. My collection of books will propel the revolution. Children will feel inspired, intrigued and important by reading these stories. Maybe I should do something along the lines of my "character" having to solve a problem in which the solution was always to take deep breaths and .... (must do more research. must take writing classes. must be more disciplined. must keep trusting myself and the process. Some nights I just don't want to. *smirk

a tough week

I currently find myself in the middle of a energy whirlwind and I'm trying very hard to keep it together. It's been a long time since I've been here and so much has changed. I'm a mother of two beautiful girls and have grown and evolved in ways unimaginable. But of course. In true MErcedes fashion, I want more. I've been trying to channel this energy in ways that feel right for where I am right now. It was suggested to me that I go back to blogging and it felt right.

I was moved today to pull three cards and figured I'd use them as prompts.

The first was Purification with a call to White Tara. This card meant a great deal for me because I've been wanting to try a juice cleanse since I've stopped breastfeeding Valyn. I want to detox from fried, salty foods and from marijuana. One sentence in particular that stuck with me was "Avoid any behaviors that clean lead to feelings of guilt or shame, as these lower your self-esteem". Just this past weekend I was in a session with my sister, Nicole and Duckie and I was confessing to them how I feel ashamed for smoking bud. I told them I enjoy doing it. Which is why I do it. But for some reason, I can't help but beat myself up for doing it afterwards. Part of me feels like I'm going against what God wants for me by doing it but also like, God loves me either way. Anyway. This card has motivated me to purchase my juice cleanse, take a break from smoking and commit to behaviors that make me proud of myself such as: meditating, exercising, blogging, playing with my daughters.

Second was Flow of Prosperity with a call to Lakshmi, which I needed the most. I really am constantly worrying about money although I know it always comes around. Things always work out for me, especially financially. This card moved me to look forward to a new venture that I hope to be starting soon as a second source of income so that I may move forward on my goals. I am calling forth commas in my bank account, a five bedroom three bathroom house with two yards, a basement, an attic and a garden. I am attracting the excitement of traveling and seeing new places. I'm not losing sight of all the abundance that currently flows through my life. Thankful for the constant blessings and health.

Third card was Freedom with a call to Hina. The sentence that stuck with me the most "Be assertive and say no to anyone who's overstepping boundaries with you". More and more I feel like I have more and more on my plate. As though people think that I do nothing on a daily basis. All the while I feel more and more exhausted. Feeling as though I have close to no time to myself. But I'm dedicated to myself and finding the time to pay attention to myself creatively. I'm also going to call on God and the Angels to assist me in speaking my mind and effectively communicating my thoughts and emotions with those around me. I'm going to try and work towards not bottling things up and just letting things flow.

Thank you for always being there for me. I'll see you again very soon.