Wild Thots

Okay so I'm drunk as fuck. Took three shots of Jameson on an empty stomach. I've been feeling like I need to write so - I'm going to do it. I keep having to delete words because....since I'm fuckin drunk.. I keep mispelling shit and writing shit weird. But whatever. You know what I've been realizing lately? I'm fucking great. People love me. I love people. I want to touch and reach more and more people. I want to be a positive influence in people's lives. I want people to enjoy my company. Want me to be around. I want people to seek my guidance. To request my services. I want to have a connection with people. What is my main message? How do I want people to feel besides loved? Empowered? Enlightened? What makes it possible for me to keep pushing and striving? I got lost. Engaged in other conversations. I need to be there for myself. Put myself first and making sure I'm good. Why? Cuz people really don't give a fuck. People will still do the craziest, randomest, grimeyest thing ever. I don't think those two are words but they make sense to me right now. This week has been full of signs that I'm still not trying to grasp and realize that I need to pay attention to what I have NOW. WHAT DO YOU HAVE NOW? Stop thinking about what you're GOING to have. Tomorrow is never promised. What are you really doing? What is truly this pressure you're feeling? Are you feeling like this because, you know? If I really need to be selfish, do I go to the extreme? If I need to focus on what I want - do I go all the way or nah? I've never been the type to half ass shit. I really need to start working out again. I love you Vanessa. I love the person you are and the person you're becoming. Let's try and enjoy not knowing anything but still attempting to control every moment of your life. Make your own decisions. Do it because you feel you need to. Man. I lost my train of thought. That's what happens when you get high, I guess. Marijuana is a whole 'nother topic. I hope you look back at this and think, wow. My first 10 minutes a day of straight writing was when I was drunk and I was super informative. LMFAO.

Find the time.

I've been recently inspired to just find the time to write. The thought to just type came to mind quite often during the week. I feel as though I just have to get reacquainted with the keyboard and being invested in my creativity. I need to just create things. Anything. SO lets see. Let's talk about my dreams. I want to write a children's book that guides children on the law of attraction and inner peace. I want to impact a generation where children care about one another because they're no longer thinking with their ego. They become adults that are going to mold future years to come and I have such hope for the future in this moment. I can't wait to see the type of adults my daughters become, god willing.

I keep saying that I want my children's book to be concentrated around a character but then part of me feels like I'm putting more strain on the situation because I'm classifying it so early on. IF THAT MAKES ANY SENSE. It's like maybe I need to just be open to anything. I was told in my guided mediation earlier in the week that I had to clear my mind in order for inspiration be able to make it's way in. Children of the world need my book. My collection of books will propel the revolution. Children will feel inspired, intrigued and important by reading these stories. Maybe I should do something along the lines of my "character" having to solve a problem in which the solution was always to take deep breaths and .... (must do more research. must take writing classes. must be more disciplined. must keep trusting myself and the process. Some nights I just don't want to. *smirk

a tough week

I currently find myself in the middle of a energy whirlwind and I'm trying very hard to keep it together. It's been a long time since I've been here and so much has changed. I'm a mother of two beautiful girls and have grown and evolved in ways unimaginable. But of course. In true MErcedes fashion, I want more. I've been trying to channel this energy in ways that feel right for where I am right now. It was suggested to me that I go back to blogging and it felt right.

I was moved today to pull three cards and figured I'd use them as prompts.

The first was Purification with a call to White Tara. This card meant a great deal for me because I've been wanting to try a juice cleanse since I've stopped breastfeeding Valyn. I want to detox from fried, salty foods and from marijuana. One sentence in particular that stuck with me was "Avoid any behaviors that clean lead to feelings of guilt or shame, as these lower your self-esteem". Just this past weekend I was in a session with my sister, Nicole and Duckie and I was confessing to them how I feel ashamed for smoking bud. I told them I enjoy doing it. Which is why I do it. But for some reason, I can't help but beat myself up for doing it afterwards. Part of me feels like I'm going against what God wants for me by doing it but also like, God loves me either way. Anyway. This card has motivated me to purchase my juice cleanse, take a break from smoking and commit to behaviors that make me proud of myself such as: meditating, exercising, blogging, playing with my daughters.

Second was Flow of Prosperity with a call to Lakshmi, which I needed the most. I really am constantly worrying about money although I know it always comes around. Things always work out for me, especially financially. This card moved me to look forward to a new venture that I hope to be starting soon as a second source of income so that I may move forward on my goals. I am calling forth commas in my bank account, a five bedroom three bathroom house with two yards, a basement, an attic and a garden. I am attracting the excitement of traveling and seeing new places. I'm not losing sight of all the abundance that currently flows through my life. Thankful for the constant blessings and health.

Third card was Freedom with a call to Hina. The sentence that stuck with me the most "Be assertive and say no to anyone who's overstepping boundaries with you". More and more I feel like I have more and more on my plate. As though people think that I do nothing on a daily basis. All the while I feel more and more exhausted. Feeling as though I have close to no time to myself. But I'm dedicated to myself and finding the time to pay attention to myself creatively. I'm also going to call on God and the Angels to assist me in speaking my mind and effectively communicating my thoughts and emotions with those around me. I'm going to try and work towards not bottling things up and just letting things flow.

Thank you for always being there for me. I'll see you again very soon.

Drama.

I realize it. I understand and embrace it. It's my demeanor. It's my initial read. (if you're inexperienced). Forever grateful that open is my eye. A question that has been bouncing around is can I raise my child without he or she having one? A little being ignorant to conditioning and expectations. It's all I can really hope for my offspring. For now at least. Everyday I delve deeper and deeper into this world of attraction and manifestation.

My oh so real, tangible, magical, Heaven on Earth.

Can't take my eyes off of you.

You remind me of a Fall breeze.

The sweet smell reminder that it's time to get in gear.

I hear the wind in the leaves, rustling, nestling my heart.

Reminding me of how you also, nestle it so sweetly.

Colours dance around beautifully similar to yours on canvas.

You remind me of all that is still sweet & precious even as it's dying.

You remind me that I am ever changing whilst our love is forever

Evolving.

Like a muscle, remember.

Hop once, hop twice and slide. I can walk however on

 MY path, right? Skip down it in the middle of the night.

 Walk backwards and somehow I take flight! 

The path along I can see for miles. On it I see NOTHING but smiles.

 I'm sure the rainy days are ahead of course. 

But deep inside I can't feel nothing but hope. I'm aware that

mistakes are made, but even they illuminate the way. 

Step by step I grow stronger, the path grows longer and 

all that matters is ...........

PROGRESSION.

Much love.

Experiences.

Funerals, weddings and get togethers.
Walking around aimlessly. Wondering
pondering questioning admiring. I felt
disconnected. As if no one was ever
paying attention. No one noticed I did
not shed one tear. I hate the way I look
in this dress. These kids need to read more.
Adults don't know shit. I vowed to keep
my outlook. I wonder ponder question
admire. Connected to the only source
that matters. Expanding and forever - evolving.
888 - -         With much love. Keep shining.

Practice makes Vanessa.

High. High above the ground.

Circling the moon, saying hi to the man.

The grass is moist and my toes have mud between them.

Trees around are pounding me with energia.

Eye contact with a rabbit lifted my spirits.

Follow it.. You are free to do what. ever.

+*The hope to one day have no schedule.

Losing the rabbit, guided by lucky crickets.  

End up in a clear spot. Still surrounded by trees.

Trees filled with nocturnal Aves. Just simply watching.

So I pop a squat, and  observe them also. The luminous

 moonlight makes it effortless.  Their energy is mesmerizing.

Connect back to the Universe. At the same time I was born.

Envisioning backpacking across the world. Giving hugs.

No care or worries ever.  Only love and harmony.

I see so many children. Touching their lives in various ways.

Expunging so much energy that all are given a fair amount.

So much laughter. Vibrating through my whole being.

I am floating back to the moon. Rejoin the man. Catch me

high.. high above the ground. 

The Bruins lost. Ha.

Novel.

About everything

About nothing

A story

I need ideas

I ask the angels for ideas

I love the angels

I love the vibration of the universe

I thoroughly enjoy making wishes

Don’t really look to be understood

I want to surprise myself

I want to be amazed

Every cell. Absolutely amazed

Talk about what I know?

But what do I know?

Everything?

Nothing.

It’s going to hit me like a TON of bricks

My heart will skip a beat

Children’s novel

A Wrinkle in Time

The Giver

Harry…

I want to surprise myself

I don't miss cable in the slightest.

People become really defensive. For no good reason.

Most of the time I swear I just want to leave Providence because I feel so judged. The people who should never point fingers are always the ones doing so. They always feel the need to belittle people while they're at it. I'm really about a complete other life. My energy, aura, vibe, soul are Global. I have enough love for all. I strive to be love. Unless I'm on the road can't EVEN front...

Maybe I'm not even equipped for a higher standard of living.

I jump with joy every time I think about how successful I'm going to be and how many people are going to experience wonderful things through me. 

Great. Theres an asshole at my door.

My best friend,

THE UNIVERSE

How quickly my ideas are beginning to manifest, through you.

Set me free, let me run loose, wind in my curls, teeth chilling.

How subtle little things make a difference.

Like saying will, instead of good ol' hope.

Unconditional love, doing it for yourself, love and humanity.

Making someone smile, lending out a hand, being an ear, a shoulder.

Dreams. Dreams. DREams. DREAms. DREAMs. DREAMSSSSSS.

Passion also. Honesty too. Clarification fully. Nature, Sex definite.

Amor, Liebe, Cinta, L'Amour, Dragoste.

444.

Letter to my Unborn child.

So close. So many times I thought I had you so close. I could hear your laughter, feel your heartbeat. Figments of my imagination. What if my life purpose is to be your Mother? To instill traits in you that I had to dig REAL deep to figure out. To allow you to make mistakes. Allow you to get as dirty and as messy as you want, as I couldn't. What if all I need in this life is you? What if embedded in your breath is my reason for living? My drive to be the greatest Vanessa I can be? It's like, you're crazy Mom. Do you really think I want to come to you before you do all that you need to for yourself? Do you think I want to come in between your dreams, goals and ambitions? I need you to be the best you for yourself, first. But... how I long to rock you to sleep. To see if you'll have my eyes, your Daddy's lips. I want you to demonstrate just how great Stephan & Vanessa are through your actions. My Mom, Dad & I meditate together, don't you guys? We accomplish monthly projects together, don't you guys? Yes, Grandma, yo te entiendo. But then I wake up. I realize that you aren't with me for a reason. The world is just not ready for that surge of love quite yet. Providence is not the place. But regardless, I pray to you like the future deity you are. Watch over me & keep me safe until it is my turn to rightfully return the favor.

Much love, light and joy to you, amor de mi vientre.

I should really find an age group that I want to start out with. I guess making the toddler books from ages 2-4 really interactive. As far as physical interaction is concerned. I read this book the other day that  had kids move different facial parts and body parts as well as total body movement. I want something along those lines. Every time I picture myself reading my book to a carpet of toddlers all I can invision is seeing a bunch of hands raised and all I hear is "YAYYY!!"

Perhaps I should make my characters go on missions that require the kids to help. Like run up the stairs and find us a towel for ______! Do 5 push ups to bring the wall low enough for _____ to get out! Run around in circles to get the wind moving! Jump up and down to grab the balloons for _____!

sigh. Idk. What I do know is that I want Kendel to illustrate my books.


Tootle.

So.. this is happiness.

I can't help but feeling like the world is trying to sway me into the digital age when it comes to my material. I keep being told of all these different interactive books on the iPad and Tablet but..... fuck that shit. Maybe perhaps in the future but for my initial ones, I want physical books.

I'm thinking of perhaps an Adventures of: .... type of book series. Find a character that helps everyone and is loved by everyone. I don't want it to have a Dora vibe though...

I don't necessarily want it to be an animal because I don't want it clashing with Black Sheep. Perhaps an object of some sort? My favorite tool? My favorite kitchen appliance? My Car? MY FUCKIN' YOGA MAT. MY YOGA MAT. My yoga mat will meet with all types of different characters and help all different type of situations but only through necessary action. Somehow I always want the character to end up giving something to the universe to find resolution in their problems. 

For example: 8 year old child visits the yoga mat. Child is trying to clear it's mind but all it can think of is the kid that pushed it at school today. Mat advises child that when he goes to school the next day, .. .. eh no. I'm not feeling that.

Day One.

So I basically just have to start writing. What about though? It’s clear that I want to write children’s books. I have to think of a concept and character(s).  I should determine the sex of my main character(s), the species of my character(s), the objective of my character(s), the fruition of my character(s), the service I provide to the Universe through my character(s), the genres of my miscellaneous books. I just want to be successful. Scratch that,  I will be successful in all of my literature endeavors. For the record, I am very high and I began writing this on a word document but... then I remembered I have a blog. This is for me to make sense of. 

I decide to Google “interactive books for children” and came across this link - http://handsonaswegrow.com/12-best-interactive-books-for-kids/ - now that I have some ideas I plan to make my affirmations. 

I will have a successful line of children's books.
I will be a service to The Universe.
I will continue to be love and light.

Three is good for now. 

Brain.

I've always wondered if new and different experiences awaken new and different parts of your brain. Being a woman who's never been pregnant at all, I've always wondered if women who have (regardless of if they have a child or not) are in essence, wiser than me.

This was a draft that I found while making the conscious decision to start blogging again. Whenever I take a trip down memory lane by visiting stress-ness it reminds me of all the positive this brings upon. It reminds me that I am all I need. I am all the entertainment, encouragement and motivation I need. It's all within us. Each and every one of us but we are all clouded. Clouded by wanting to please the wrong people. Stand out to the wrong people. Reach out to the wrong people. Impress people period. I am not here to impress you. I am not here to convince you that my way is right and yours isn't. I am not here to judge you. I am just here to find myself and in turn, help you find yourself.

I'm so glad that I started this blog back in 2009. It SHOWS me growth. It YELLS progress. It makes me REALIZE that I am better today than I was yesterday and I evolve DAILY. Yes, I said evolve but that's a topic for another time. Starting today I will be reconstructing stress-ness and I'm going to try my absolute hardest to blog at least 2-3 times a week. I don't want 2012 to be a complete blur as 2011 was for the mere reason of not blogging. I'm done robbing myself of that love.

Good day. Breathe easy. Don't stop loving.

Algo nuevo.

1. Stop spending time with the wrong people.
2. Stop running from your problems.
3. Stop lying to yourself.
4. Stop putting your needs on the back burner.
5. Stop trying to be someone you're not.
6. Stop trying to hold on to the past.
7. Stop being scared to make a mistake.
8. Stop berating yourself for old mistakes.
9. Stop trying to buy happiness.
10. Stop exclusively looking to others for happiness.
11. Stop being idle.
12. Stop thinking you're not ready.
13. Stop getting involved in relationships for the wrong reasons.
14. Stop rejecting new relationships just because old ones didn't work out.
15. STOP TRYING TO COMPETE WITH ANYONE ELSE.

Ps. I love StumbleUpon. So what if I'm late?

AYO.

I want to feel comfortable. 

I need to be able to be comfortable. 

The state of comfort is the key. 

Comfort is not to be confused with laziness. 

Comfort is also not to be mistaken with settling. 

Free from stress or anxiety; at ease.

Producing feelings of security. 

Watch this & tell else someone to.

Thanks.

Deep breath.

The world and the people in it are so fucked.

Filled with second intentions.

Hiding behind masks and facades.

Wanting to be EVERYTHING but themselves.

Is that really a hard thing to do?

Or.. maybe they are being themselves and the

problem is that... they just don't love themselves.

Finding yourself is really an amazing adventure.

You can live a conventional life and still look for yourself

BTDubz.

I only say that because I feel like I'm caught in the maze

of daily life. Same shit. Different day. As far as my source

of income and social life go BUT when it comes to the

daily life going on INSIDE of me, I've seen advancements like

never before. I feel grounded. I feel mighty. I feel bright.

I feel lucky. I feel tranquility. I feel intelligent. I feel advancement.

stress-ness.com created to keep stress off Ness, I thank you.

Real.

I'ma take this time to show you how much you

mean to me 'cause you are all I need. No money can emphasize

or describe the love that's in-between the lines.

Boy look into my eyes while I'm grinding on you..

This is beyond sex. I'm high on you.

If it's real then you know how I feel.

Rocking on you babe, rocking,

rocking on you babe, swirling on you babe.

In my mind all I can think about

is a frame for our future & the pictures of the past

& a chance to make this love last!